Having a new baby can be such an exciting event, particularly if you're going to be a first-time parent. But it can also mean a whole host of new pressures on your relationship.

As well as being adorable and lovable, new babies can be demanding. In those first few months, even the best prepared couples often feel drained and overstretched. It's not surprising that many also find they're arguing a lot more.

While this can be frustrating and worrying, especially if you assumed your baby was going to bring you closer together, it's perfectly normal for you to take time to adjust to your growing family. Conflict can be a natural part of adapting to this new change.

There are all kinds of topics that might cause arguments after you have a child.

  • Practical support. With so many things to do, it's no surprise that arguments can spark around stuff like who's turn it is to get up in the middle of the night, prepare the bottles, hoover round or do the feeding/bathing. This can be made harder still if you have other children who also need your attention, care and energy.
  • Feeling that your relationship has been sidelined. The focus at this time, understandably, is going to be on the baby. This can leave one or both of you feeling like the relationship just isn't a priority. It's also very common for sex to go on the backburner for a while. Low desire, recovering from the birth and coping with exhaustion may also mean the prospect of restarting your sex just feels like another pressure. This can lead to feelings of frustration and rejection.
  • Ideas about parenting. You may have different ideas when it comes to the best way to look after your baby. This can be particularly tricky, as we often get our ideas on parenting from our own families – so they can be quite deeply held.
  • Going back to work. Sometimes, the partner who goes back to work will feel that the other person has it easy looking after the baby at home, whereas they may actually be left completely exhausted by the end of the day. This kind of misunderstanding can create a lot of tension.
  • Interference from other family members. It can be frustrating being given advice from other members of your family, especially if they're putting themselves in the position of 'expert' because of their own parenting experiences. They may want to try and offer help and support before you are ready or while you're still trying to get to grips with some form of routine. This can lead new parents in particular to feel confused about how to care for their own baby.
  • Finances. Having a baby obviously has a big impact on your bank balance. Learning to manage this new financial pressure together – especially if one of you decides not to go back to work – can be a challenge.
  • Not getting any time for yourself and missing your old life. Sometimes, you may miss getting to do the things you were doing before the baby came along, like going out for dinner or drinks, enjoying your hobbies, getting out for some exercise or doing things that were just about you. This can create a lot of frustration.
  • Sleep deprivation. This is a biggie.  All of the issues above can be made more difficult by the high likelihood that you'll be getting a lot less sleep for the first few months, even years of having a young child. Sleep deprivation can affect your mood and emotions and can really make some days feel like an upward struggle.

How do we argue less?

If you're finding things difficult, you might like to think about the following:

  • Try to have realistic expectations of each other. Trust that you're both doing the best you can under the circumstances and be aware of how your partner's physical state and emotions might be affecting them. Be appreciative of what each of you have accomplished so it doesn't go unnoticed. This will help you both feel like you are supporting each other. And if you have a row and things get a bit emotional, an apology once you've both calmed down can go a long way.
  • Work out how you can both get enough sleep.It could be that you could take it in turns to soothe and feed the baby at night or that you make the best of when the baby is sleeping to catch up on sleep yourself (rather than cracking on with the chores - although this is often a real temptation!)
  • Think about how you can support each other practically. Talk about and agree on things like helping to prepare food or do the shopping, keeping the house clean, doing the washing up. You may never feel totally on top of things, but the more you're working as a team, the less resentment there's likely to be. Making sure that neither of you feels an unfair amount of pressure is on them goes a lot way towards maintaining the sense that you're on the same team.
  • Talk about your expectations and ideas. Doing your best to talk things over – and keep talking – will help avoid misunderstandings building up. Talk about what you may be struggling with. Be open about your feelings. Share your ideas on parenting, how you think things should work and what you think things are going to be like as the baby gets older.
  • Try to resolve arguments together. It's better to nip issues in the bud than let them fester. Don't bury issues or pretend things are ok: talk about them and deal with them together. Likewise, try to support one another when it comes to other people getting involved. It's important to back one another up and work as a team.
  • Try to maintain intimacy together. If you're not too tired, you might like to use time when the baby is sleeping to re-establish your connection. It doesn't have to be anything really active or sexual - it could mean cuddling on the sofa, rubbing each other's shoulders, having a hot drink together or running a warm bath. When you feel relaxed, you're more likely to start talking, sharing feelings and reconnecting as a couple.
  • Make lists together. Being clear about what groceries are needed and which tasks have to be done helps prevent miscommunication. Highlight the priorities and tick items off as you go – it might also feel good to decide that certain things aren't absolutely essential.
  • Agree to manage visitors to reduce pressure on yourselves. If this means asking them to wait for an invitation or come a little later than planned, so be it. Don't be afraid to explain that you've had a difficult night or that it's taking a while for your baby to settle.
  • Ask for help when people do come over.Perhaps they could grab some shopping on the way or pop out with the dog when they arrive. Those who really care will be happy to help and won't mind taking out a few bin bags or hanging up the washing when they visit. Close family members might jump at the chance to change or bathe the baby while you both put your feet up. Also: accept help from one another when it's offered.
  • Schedule in time to spend together. As you adjust to life with a new baby and become more confident with feeding, bathtime and bedtime routines, you may be tempted to leave baby with a family member or friend. At first, this might be for a few hours while you and your partner go out for a drink or to the cinema or even just relax at home and go to bed. This may then lead onto spending an evening out together or even a weekend away! Quality time like this should never be underestimated as you rekindle your relationship as a couple.
  • Talk to your midwife/health visitor. They will offer reassurance and have tips up their sleeves to help you through the first weeks of parenthood. They also understand the signs of more serious issues like postnatal depression and will refer you to your GP if you need further help.
  • Join parent groups. Baby and toddler groups can provide an instant social group and can help you feel like you're not the only one coping with any difficulties or blips you are having as you share stories on sicky babies, bad nappies, teething, forgetting to strap the car seat in etc.
  • Understand that this time will pass! Babies don't stay tiny forever and, like most children, yours will hopefully start to sleep through the night (if not there are sleep clinics/consultants who can help). The intensity of looking after a baby will ease and you'll soon be able to look back proudly at how you managed to get through it.

How we can help

  • If you're finding things really hard, you can briefly chat to a counsellor for free online via our Live Chat service
  • Counselling is also available from the convenience of your home via our Telephone Counselling, Webcam service or Message a Counsellor service. If you have childcare available, then face to face counselling at your local Relate centre is another service we offer. You can call0300 100 1234to book an appointment.